Archive Version of
Partners Task Force for Gay and Lesbian Couples
Online from 1995-2022

Demian and Steve Bryant originally founded Partners as a monthly newsletter in 1986. By late 1990 it was reformatted into a bi-monthly magazine. Print publication was halted by 1995 when Demian published Partners as a Web site, which greatly expanded readership.

In 1988, the Partners National Survey of Lesbian & Gay Couples report was published; the first major U.S. survey on same-sex couples in a decade.

In 1996, Demian produced The Right to Marry, a video documentary based on the dire need for equality that was made clear by the data from the survey mentioned above. The video featured interviews with Rev. Mel White, Evan Wolfson, Phyllis Burke, Richard Mohr, Kevin Cathcart, Faygele benMiriam, Benjamin Cable-McCarthy, Susan Reardon, Frances Fuchs, Tina Podlodowski, and Chelle Mileur.

Demian has been the sole operator during the last two decades of Partners.

Demian stopped work on Partners Task Force in order to realize his other time-consuming projects, which include publishing the book “Operating Manual for Same-Sex Couples: Navigating the rules, rites & rights” - which is now available on Amazon. The book is based on the Partners Survey mentioned above, his interviews of scores of couples, and 36 years of writing hundreds of articles about same-sex couples. It’s also been informed by his personal experience in a 20-year, same-sex relationship.

Demian’s other project is to publish his “Photo Stories by Demian” books based on his more than six decades as a photographer and writer.


Partners Task Force for Gay & Lesbian Couples
Demian, director    206-935-1206    demian@buddybuddy.com    Seattle, WA    Founded 1986

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Nursing Your Relationship
Tips for when a partner is seriously ill
by Demian
© January 1999, Demian


Do not let serious illness, or your fear of it, isolate your loved one from you. These tips can help maintain a loving bond.
  • Touch your partner. A hand squeeze or hug can communicate that you care. Most illnesses, including AIDS, cannot be transmitted by external body contact.

  • Respond to your partner’s emotions. Weep and laugh together; it’s healthy to share these intimate experiences. However, don’t pressure your partner to emote.

  • Celebrate holidays and life together. Decorate the home or hospital room. Any or every day can be designated a holiday.

  • Ask to take your partner on a walk or outing. Understand their limitations.

  • Tell your partner he or she looks good, if it’s true. Don’t ignore changes in appearance.

  • Encourage your partner to make decisions. Illness can cause a loss of control over many aspects of life. Urge your partner to take personal power over decisions, even simple or silly ones.

  • Respect your partner’s health care decisions. There are many approaches to healing. Your partner has the right to chose, no matter what you think best or correct.

  • Don’t lecture or express anger toward your partner if you think their way of handling the illness is inappropriate. You may not understand their feelings.

  • Take your worry elsewhere. Though natural, worry is counterproductive. Express it away from your partner.

  • Be prepared to receive anger for “no obvious reason.” Anger and frustration are often taken out on the closest and most loved ones because it is assumed safe and it will be understood.

  • Gossip and talk about common interests. Talk of symptoms, doctors and treatments can become tiresome.

  • If your partner is religious, ask if you could pray together.

  • There is no blame. Germs cause disease, not lifestyles.

  • If the illness is communicable, and you have sex together, exercise precautions to prevent the spread of disease.

  • Acceptance of illness is not defeat. Acceptance can free your partner, giving them a sense of personal power.

  • Talk about the future. Consider tomorrow, next week, next year, 10 years from now, without denying the reality of today.

  • Keep an optimistic attitude. It’s catchy.

  • Avoid isolation. Ask friends over to play cards, watch TV or give a back rub.

  • Take care of yourself. Recognize your own emotions of grief, anger and helplessness. By getting emotional support from others, you can be there more completely for your partner.

  • Ask for help. Allow your friends to shop, cook, clean, or provide transportation. It not only helps you; it contradicts their feelings of helplessness.

  • Set your legal lives in order. If you haven’t already, prepare Wills, Powers of Attorney, Joint Tenancy and other agreements to avoid legal battles. [See Legal Precautions to Protect Your Relationship.]
Adapted from a pamphlet by the San Francisco Community Partnership on AIDS, and with assistance from Bruce MacDonald, M.S.W.
Return to: Partners: Table of Contents

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